Monday, December 16, 2013

I Have Never Been in a Fight



C Dot Chester Photography

I have never been in a fight.

A physical one, I mean. I like to think that I could defend myself if I had to, but it’s never been tested. I’ve never been bullied or physically attacked. I don’t like to yell, my voice sounds weird when I do. Arguments and confrontations freak me out and I avoid them as much as possible. So I’ve never been in a fight, and yet I fancy myself a fighter. I’ll explain why in a minute.

I used to think that to be successful, to make a name for myself, I would have to be mean sometimes. Couldn’t be all sensitive, worried about people’s feelings. Nice girls finish last, that’s what I heard. But I never learned how to play that game – the mean girl game - never wanted to, never could. I like to create good feelings, this little light of mine, you know. But I thought that was boring and it embarrassed me. Nice doesn’t garner much attention.

So I thought that I would never be really really successful. Medium successful maybe, or less. But since I had never been in a fight, never cursed anyone out, never played mind games, I decided that, yeah, for me, my lane would always be in the middle of the road. Too quiet and much too passive to make a difference, one way or the other.

Insignificant. I didn’t force my will on people and I didn’t walk around with a chip on my shoulder, so I thought I wasn’t strong. I believed in lots of silly things. But with time comes understanding.

Now I know that I have a strength, a quiet significance, that is so deep, I haven’t even fully tapped into it yet. I was so confused! I took pieces of other people’s stories, their fears and their limitations, and I tried to find my own truth in them. I got so lost, looking for myself in the wrong places. I never gave myself any credit for my unwavering faith and the love that burned inside of me, imperishable, in spite of so many dark circumstances.

Despite being resigned to a life of misfortune, she became resourceful. 
She grudgingly noticed that things always worked out, even when she claimed defeat. 
An inconvenient truth, yet it was right there, in her face, betraying her self-punishments and assumptions. 
She kept overcoming things, dammit, aggravating herself. 
She still felt so much joy, despite her efforts to be miserable. 
Her life was full of miracles and spectacles that she was afraid to rely on; so she didn’t know how to enjoy, how to be thankful, without guilt. 
- excerpt from my book, The Beautiful Disruption, coming January 2014

I’m a fighter who has fought to find meaning in the craziness of her life.

I have fought with my shadows and my darkest feelings and I have learned how to make peace with them. I’m a fighter whose greatest strength is love. That doesn’t embarrass me anymore. It’s been tested, and I’ve shown myself to be stronger that I could have ever imagined. My kindness doesn’t make me weak, like I thought, like people told me. I know better now. I live better now. I make a difference now. Quietly. Significantly. Because I’m not afraid to be myself and fight for what I believe in.

Are you a fighter?


18 comments:

  1. I am a fighter.

    How do I pre-order the book!?

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    1. Hey!! Thank you for asking about that. As soon as I have the exact release date, I'm going to offer a limited number of pre-orders. I want to wait until the date is certain so I can let everyone know exactly how long the wait will be. Thank you so much for asking! I will keep you posted!

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  2. Looking forward to reading your book!

    Although I've never been in a physical fight. While I was picked on, I had to mentally fight to know and believe that who I am is just who I need to be. God's not finished with me yet, but no one else needs to dictate my speed of transformation.

    So, yes, I am a fighter!

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    1. So true! Mental strength is really what matters!

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  3. Yes I am!
    I think it's sad that we live in a society where anger and being mean is synonymous with strength. The one who can easily anger you and therefore pull out your mean side is the one in charge, he's running the show, while the one who displays quiet strength might not be perceived as strong but really is. You're in charge of your feelings and reactions and aren't easily tempted to play someone else's mind game.

    Can't wait to see your book out!! :D

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    1. Thanks Jocelina! Yes, for sure! It took me so long to learn this, particularly in my relationships with men. I would let men bully me! Not physical abuse, but mental abuse and domination.

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  4. I have been in several physical fights in my life, and I am rather aggressive when the situation calls for it. Never afraid of a conflict where one is warranted.

    And I will say, it is MUCH stronger to respond to anger with kindness. It is a stronger thing to introspect and find peace in yourself. It is MUCH stronger, harder but much more worthwhile, to forgive, to understand, and to let go than it is to fight.

    Don't doubt yourself. What you have is *strength*.

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    1. Wise words. While I have not gotten around to it yet, I'm very interested in studying tai chi because I love the idea of increasing spiritual, mental and physical strength as well as learning self-defense.

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  5. Looking forward to this book you speak of!

    You're a wonderful writer so I know it will be good!

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    1. Thanks Marie! I'm shakin in my boots, but I'm pushing through my freaked-out-ed-ness. Talk about feeling vulnerable. :-P

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  6. I have never been in a fight either. I've been in arguments, but never have they turned into fights. I don't see myself as a fighter--at all. Much too scared for stuff like that.

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    1. Girl! Tell me about it. I hate violence. :(

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  7. Yet another one of your writings that GAVE.ME.LIFE.!!!!
    I too use to think something was wrong with me because I refused to fight, the mere thought of it does nothing for me, but now I know I am not alone. Why does my "strength" have to be based on the number of fights I had, won or loss? That's just to messy for me... I'm much too dainty and delicate for all that.
    My strength is in my spirit, soul, smile and walk. My strength is something I've worked long and hard for... simply put my strength is me...
    Thank you for your words, they your readers more than you'll ever know. Can't wait for the book!

    Toccara

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    1. Toccara! We haven't talked in so long. I want to give you a big hug. I'm glad you can relate! I feel the same way!

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  8. I'm a fighter. And I think you're right, strength can also lie in the quiet, silence does not make you passive, just like aggression does not make you strong. I love this post because I feel like you've taken a piece out of my heart and have written down in ink what it is I feel about myself. I completely relate. You're a fighter GG and I'm excited for this book :)

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    1. Awww Sheriden, my soul sis. I adore you.

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  9. Hello GG,

    As you already know I absolutely love the work that you are doing. I know that I too am a fighter. I have never been in a physical fight and I to abhor conflict. I like to keep the peace..... I have been called "a good girl" my whole life. These qualities just add to my strength. I have been able to stand in my truth and accept everything about me. I am a fighter. I fight to keep from being pulled in by the craziness in this world. I fight to maintain my inner peace. I fight to fulfill my dreams. Thank you for such beautiful words. I truly do support your work and I can not wait to order your book. Congratulations, Job well done.

    Brandy S.

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    1. Exactly! Yes! Exactly. And thank you so much for the support and encouragement Brandy!!! xoxo

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