Tuesday, February 17, 2015

I Thought He Would Leave If I Let Him See Me




On speaking the truth and hearing the truth without fear.


I was silent in my relationship.

I didn't have a voice and I resented my partner and myself because of it.

I didn't speak up because I didn't want to push him away. I thought I could pretend to be what he wanted.   I thought his needs were more important than mine.

I was scared -- no, terrified -- of finding out that he wouldn't love me for me.  I thought that he stuck with me because we had babies, not because he really wanted to be there.

When we don't give a voice to what we are feeling, it comes out on its own in other ways.

Sabotage, anxiety, jealousy, depression, resentment, telling lies, blaming everyone and everything and generally feeling disillusioned with life.

Back then, I couldn't imagine the thought of openly talking about my true, deep down, open wound kind of feelings but eventually I had to admit to myself that if I didn't, nothing would change.

I wanted to blame my partner for our disconnect, but I couldn't because I had never truly shown up for the relationship. For years, I'd felt one thing and said another.

I thought he would leave if I showed my truth, my lies and my real perspective on our relationship and what I needed from him.

I remained silent until I decided that I would be fine -- or at least, better than I was -- no matter what he did.

But he didn't leave. He stepped up and opened up and everything changed.

That was my first taste of the fear-squashing power of truth telling.

It breathed new life into my relationship and I started thinking that just maybe, truth telling could renew everything.    Maybe if I stopped feeling one thing and doing and saying another in every aspect of my life, just maybe, my whole world would change.
And it did.

I had to admit that I wanted a different life and acknowledge that my external world was not aligned with my inner world.

I had to start speaking my truth around people that I feared wouldn't understand it.

I had to walk away from people and things that interfered with my self-discovery.

I had to shift my mindset from people-pleasing and fitting in to self-acceptance and self-respect.

I had to develop a deep, unconditional love for myself, my journey and the purpose I am here to fulfill.


Maybe you see yourself in this post.  If so, take this affirmation with you:

I will value my honest feelings more than I value the acceptance of other people.  I won't apologize or feel like a burden for being who I am.  I will let myself be loved, supported and seen.  



9 comments:

  1. Loves this post...deep and true.

    The affirmation I read!!

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    1. Hi Ebony! I'm so glad you connected with this :-)

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  2. GG, You have so eloquently voiced who I've been all my life. Thanks for presenting how to not get my voice back...but, how necessary it is for me to have a voice.

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    1. Thank you, Sherry! I know that many of us go through similar situations and I wanted to openly describe it so more women can know that they aren't alone!

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  3. Soooo very true!!!!! I needed this post today, since I am going through this right now, one good thing he walked away.

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    1. I'm so glad you saw this at the right time! It's such a common thing that many of us go through. It's a reminder that any relationship where we can't be ourselves and be loved for that is not a relationship we need to stay in. Sending you love, sis.

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  4. WOW! I'm sooo glad I found you!! This is sooo me in my relationship!! We have two boys and all the ups and downs that go through being a new mom sometimes take a toll on me and i'm sure I sometimes sabotage my relationship. I had been feeling a little disconnected in my relationship and I always wanted to blame him and want him to open up and want him to deal with deep hurts inside but then I asked myself "are you giving what you want him to give"?? #ahamoment as Oprah would say. This was sooo on time and on point. I think i need to print this one out :-)

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  5. WOW! I'm sooo glad I found you!! This is sooo me in my relationship!! We have two boys and all the ups and downs that go through being a new mom sometimes take a toll on me and i'm sure I sometimes sabotage my relationship. I had been feeling a little disconnected in my relationship and I always wanted to blame him and want him to open up and want him to deal with deep hurts inside but then I asked myself "are you giving what you want him to give"?? #ahamoment as Oprah would say. This was sooo on time and on point. I think i need to print this one out :-)

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  6. GG wonderful share!!! Be true to yourself I learned that myself just a few years ago and it's been an awesome discovery since.

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