Thursday, March 10, 2016

one day I said it's enough



She was nothing like me.  I could tell by the things she said to him and the way he responded to her.  She seemed to bring out a side of him I'd never seen before and while their exchange infuriated me, it also intrigued me.   Was this the real him?  Does he keep these girls on the side to satisfy a part of him that I can't?  Maybe he thinks I'm boring.  Maybe I'm the good girl and he keeps his bad girls on the side.  I'm not every woman to him.  I'm not enough.

I read his text messages everyday as a form of self-torture.  I looked forward to the pain, like I wanted to keep poking the wound, reminding myself that it was there and it was getting worse.  Pain sinks in slowly with me, vibrating in waves.  I have delayed reactions like kids when they fall and the shock of it steals their breath for long seconds, mouth open, eyes wide, as the pain settles in and the cry builds up in their throats.

I was insecure and I was always looking out for proof that I couldn't win.  Obviously if I was dating a guy and he cheated, it was because I wasn't good enough to keep him.  Obviously if I didn't get the job I applied for, it was because I was just average, not smart enough or capable enough to stand out.  I wanted to be picked and I wanted to be praised to prove I was good enough.  I let my neediness disfigure me and I couldn't see the shape of who I wanted to be and how I wanted to live.

Inadequacy can become a habit, a part of our everyday cocktail of emotions.  We get so used to feeding it to ourselves that we begin to hunger for it, looking for ways to satisfy the craving and stay full with its emptiness. It's a heavy, manipulative, sticky thing.  It'll have you thinking that it's all about one thing when it's really about another.  It'll have you believing that you are damaged, unlovable, unacceptable, undone and that you should just settle for whatever scraps you can get.

The shame and inadequacy I felt kept my mind occupied for long periods of time.  Time I could have spent feeding myself something different. But it taught me what I didn't want to do and who I couldn't bear to be.  I couldn't go through life anymore thinking that everything was my fault.  That being mistreated and suffering in silence somehow made me the better person.   All the constant rearranging I did, dying for someone to see me from a different angle and tell me what to fix, what to do and how to feel.  I wanted to be honest with myself and get real because the nonsense was making my life feel so frail, like it could fall apart any second.

Lies pile up and attract more lies, but truth multiplies too.

Once you open the floodgates and start admitting real things to yourself, the truth starts to overflow from your heart to taking over your mind and pouring out of your mouth.  Truth moves things around and makes things fall down and rise up.  I'm telling you, the truth is the path to a good life.  Not the life that everyone else wants for you, or even the one you thought you'd have, but the life that you were created for.  A life where you can be yourself without apology, free from lies, manipulation and drama.

One day I said it's enough.  I made him watch as I shed a layer in front of him.  He said things to me that used to make me cry and I laughed.  He told me lies I used to believe and I saw through them.  I pitied him because he didn't know what I knew, how much I knew, or how I'd already made up my mind.  I barely spoke his language anymore.  I  felt lifted like I'd been living underground all this time and didn't know it.  I escaped.  Seeing the sky and the trees and all the roads leading anywhere I want to go and looking back at this man realizing I was the one who'd trapped myself, attached myself, starved myself -- not him.  I was always free to go, but I'd chosen to stay, afraid of what else was out there, but even more so afraid of what else was inside of me.

Maybe he was afraid of it too.  Maybe he wanted to keep me small so he could contain me.  Maybe he'd lived in fear of the day I'd wake up.  He'd seen my rawest moments: back arched in ecstasy, in pain, in laughter, in grief.   These gifts, this access I'd given, and to think I thought I wasn't enough.

I learned.

I stopped begging him, holding my cup out to be filled everyday.  I started thinking about how I could fill myself instead.  I acquired a taste for new things, healthier than anything he'd ever given me.  I realized my insatiable hunger was for my own love, not his.

Life is always trying to teach us and God is always answering our prayers, while we insist on avoiding the lessons and blocking the truth.   Listen to your heart when it says it's enough, you're enough, and it's time to move on and be all that you are, no limits.


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If you can relate to this, please leave a comment below!  Self-discovery is crucial to personal growth and living the life you want.  I held my first self-discovery workshop in February and it was amazing to lead a room full of women through writing about things and sharing things they never thought they could.  I had that "this is what I'm supposed to be doing" feeling.  Stay tuned and save the dates as tickets go on sale for my next workshops: April 30 in DC, May 14 in NYC and September 17 in Atlanta.  Thank you so much for reading.  xo

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