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I remember the waiting.

Waiting for the meetings to be over. Waiting for 5 o’clock. Counting down to Friday. Waiting for payday. Dragging my way through quarter-end rush. Spending the year-end bonus in my mind before I received it. Waiting for my 2% raise. Estimating how much would make its way into my pockets after taxes. Money, the only reward.

January. Waiting for my W-2. Waiting for the meetings to be over. Waiting for 5 o’clock. Counting down to Friday. Years went by this way. Surviving instead of living. Settling instead of choosing.

I was missing my life. Saving it for later. That elusive day in the future when I would earn the right to catch my breath and stop the song and dance. When I looked at my kids, I didn’t see them. I saw feed, bathe, hug, kiss, put to bed. I saw homework and story time blocking my recharge, my writing and my solitude. 

I remember the guilt.

Too tired to listen to their minutia. Too drained to allow them to be children. I expected them to act like adults. Be quiet. Hurry up. Annoyance and promises. Mommy will read you a story tomorrow.

I strung together the moments of clarity. This is life. This is love. These are your blessings and you are missing them.

I argued with my inner critic and my dreamer. One said, There’s no other way! The other said, Yes, there is! 

I remember waiting for permission.

Someone rescue me, discover me, take a chance on me. Pay me to write, for God’s sake. Validate me. Just keep writing, said the dreamer. Do it for the love, the money will come. Pitch. Network. Write. Repeat. Something had to give.

I waited for a sign. I neglected my day to day. Work without inspiration was like sex without love. Once I got a taste of the real thing, I could hardly tolerate the monotonous bump and grind. I wrote to fuel my fire. Aroused, I craved more. I couldn't wait.

I remember the knowing.

I knew when it was time to leap. Waiting for the last day, the last hours, the last minutes. Counting down to freedom. Waiting for the first day of my creative life. Taking my kids to school. Structuring my days around their pursuits. Witnessing them, reading to them, pouring courage into them.

I started living my way. Writing books. Sowing seeds. Giving thanks for my blessings before I received them. Estimating how many people I could reach and how much soul I could share. Learning how to create my own opportunities. Purpose, my favorite reward.

January again. Constructing the present. Dreaming the future. Inspired work and meaningful moments. Hugs and kisses and story time. I pray that years will go by this way. Always creating and becoming.

Work filled with inspiration is worship.

A heart filled with courage is unbreakable.

A life filled with love is fulfilled.

Are you missing your life?  Saving it for later?  I was.  Now I write to inspire you.  I'm so glad you're here.  

Find out more about me and All the Many Layers here.  

Find out about my books here and workshops here. 



P.S. I didn't know I could decide for myself.  Create a different path.  Deviate and explore. I didn't know that 'regular' people did that.  Only special ones I thought, born with a certain kind of spirit.  I was scared and lost in my drama, so I didn't think I had that certain kind of spirit or that courage or that presence.  But it was all there, just waiting to be used.  We always have more power than we think we do. xo



28 comments:

  1. Very inspiring! You summed up a lot of what I think and do on a daily basis. I started a blog called http://marriagemotherhoodthediva.blogspot.com/ and haven't posted to it in years. I was disheartened when I would write and ask questions that no one would post or answer. One day I received a comment and it made my year! I haven't wrote in my blog for a long time but you have just re-energized that dream. We are so hooked on validation sometimes that without it we can sometimes lose sight of our vision. Many times I have read someone's blog, received something from it as I did yours, and left without acknowledging their gift. This has reminded me to not only become inspired but to also acknowledge others. Thank you.

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    1. Hi Shannon! I've so been there! I blogged for almost four years before I started All the Many Layers. I wasn't always as consistent with those other endeavors but I knew that i was growing from it and it was leading me somewhere, even when I only had a few followers. I would definitely encourage you to keep at it. :)

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  2. Just read what you wrote on Curly Nikki's page about looking for the Hair growth miracle. I want to say thank you, I feel you have truly freed some people, especially me. You hit on so many points that I've thought until I had to check and see if you addressed this to me, then I said wait this person has no clue I'm even in the world !!! I am going to re-read it again and get down to some real soul searching so I can be what I'm supposed to be. I'm sure your book is going to exceed your expectations!! Keep writing and helping!

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    1. Hi Val! I'm so glad that article stirred something for you!! It's amazing to connect with people this way and help people put words to what they are going through. Writing it all out helps me too. So much. Thank you for reading! :)

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  3. i'm glad i have found your blog on my rediscovery of myself. my son is one and i'm loosing myself. i need a change and have been in transition for almost 6 months. thanks for your words. much needed.

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    1. Hang in there and know that you will get through it. I can remember how overwhelmed I was after my first AND second babies. I was in such a different head space and my relationships reflected that. Find peace in yourself and take care of yourself. xo

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  4. Wow! Thanks for capturing my heart in words

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    1. You're welcome! Thank you for stopping by!!

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  5. Stumbled upon your blog -- wow, already I can "see" you have a unique voice! Can't wait to dig in and soak up what you've chosen to share! Oh, and your hair is FIERCE! "...Donna Summer..." Fierce... I see you! :)

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    1. Hi! I'm so glad you are here and thank you for the kind words! :)

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  7. I stumbled across your blog a while back and somehow I made it here today - the day I found out that my corporate job is being eliminated next month. I've been thinking a lot lately about branching out on my own and doing freelance work full-time. Maybe this was the kick I needed to just do it. I'm scared and have no idea where to start, but I hope to find some inspiration here on your blog!

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    1. Hi Tiffany! Everything happens for a reason :) I hope you do find some inspiration and here and lots of transparency because that is what I hope to bring. I'm glad you are here!

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  8. I read your article on Curly Nikki and was inspired by your posts! And after reading this post, I am truly a fan! This is truly my life too! I actually love my job but its just that a job! My real passion is sewing, writing and making jewelry but I'm not sure I can make the leap. Looking forward to reading more inspiring posts!

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  9. Welcome! I'm glad you found me and I appreciate you for reading. I hope you will join in the conversation and stay in touch! xx

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  10. Hi GG!

    I didn't know where to post... I only wanted to thank you. I've just finished the Wallflower and wow, I could relate to every single word you wrote. I felt as if you were taking the words out of my mouth, the emotions out of my body and soul, as if you knew about the burden weighing on my shoulders for so long a time.
    I will definitely come by this site to get more wise inspirations from your writing.

    Regards.

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  11. Um, I am absolutely blown away by this blog. It is everything & then some. Thank you.

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  12. You have a wonderful voice, your words always make me think. You tell your story in such a way that women can relate. The daughter, mother, sister, wife...all these hats we wear, sometimes we need this encouragement. Thank you.

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  13. Thank you, GG. This is a fabulous site. Wow!!!

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  14. I am happy that you chose to live rather than survive, the most beautiful thing about living up to our authenticity regardless of whether or not we are validated, is the fact that we shine - we shine so much inwardly that we inspire others to do the same - So thank you for shining my way GG :)

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  15. Wow that was beautiful. Hope to achieve a portion of what you have.

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  16. I relate so much to what you wrote. This is what I'm living. Thank you for the hope. I want to overcome, move past this point in my life, be free, stop waiting, stop counting down, stop waiting...

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  17. Stumbled across this. Dope. Thank you. #inspired

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  18. I like your transparency. I looked up something I posted on tumblr last year March and while I still love what I started I'm just fustrated like why didn't I keep up with it little at a time. I see you and others have had that same issue at one point and I hope I can jumpstart and keep going .... Again. I put your blog on my favorites in my phone. I found your blog after I googled "blogs for black women" and then an article from this year came up about the 5 bloggers you should follow.

    Thanks for being an open book. I'm going to keep reading and enjoying :)

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  19. Wow......
    First, I'll say this...everything everyone had to say above is soooo valuable and important.

    I'm not sure if I'll just sound like "another voice" throw in out words, and sometimes, I wish that I could more into my words...my heart feels like they are molding words and little by little by little pieces come out.

    But let me say this, I thank you.
    I thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

    And of course that will never seem like enough.

    Your words are beyond beautiful. Beyond inspiring. Beyond giving me life and elevating my perspectives....renewing my energy.

    Woman, thank you!
    :)

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