solitude, sensuality and self-care
I was old enough to feel like a woman but young enough to be shy about it. I used to sit in my bedroom in front of the mirror pretending someone was watching me. Usually that someone was my crush of the moment or someone I wished would notice me.
This was my time to indulge the part of me that wanted to be seen and appreciated as a woman. I’d go about my beauty routines lavishly applying lotions and enjoying the softness of my skin, making eyes at myself. I’d have pretend conversations, smiling and flirting with some imaginary person, driving them crazy with my charm and mystery. Inevitably, at some point I’d turn on music and the private dancing would begin. Behind my closed bedroom door, I was a goddess, completely immersed in my own feminine energy.
While I would have been embarrassed to talk about these antics at the time, I realize now that this kind of indulgence is sacred and it’s incredibly self-soothing. Over time, I got away from myself and started relying on men for everything. To make me feel sexy, happy, interesting, appreciated, whole. There were times I literally begged men to make me feel important, to fix me when I felt broken and rescue me. I forgot how to appreciate my own attention and it took me a long time to return to myself.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the imagination of self-love and how healthy it is to be entertained by yourself. We need to explore all our layers and inspire ourselves and make stuff and dream. When we crave attention, we need to know how to feed that desire with our own details and the sustenance of our own care. So we don’t rely on others to give us what we should first give ourselves.
There is an undeniable connection between imagination and purpose. Whatever it is you find yourself visualizing and needing to express, there is a reason. However many women live inside of you, your imagination can reveal them. Don’t be inhibited with yourself.
I purposely remind myself daily that I am a sensual being, fully capable of pleasing myself. I take time to notice how I touch things and how I move. How I take care of myself and what makes me feel stimulated and alive. How I surround myself with inspiration. No matter what I’m doing, I enjoy my own company. I’m not waiting for someone to see me or fill me, I know how to do it on my own.
When we don’t give ourselves this attention, we can find ourselves doing unhealthy things to get some light from someone else. And oh my God, the things we do, the things we put ourselves through, rather than cultivating what we need to feed ourselves. Start there, in your own space, with an admitted desire for love and attention. Don’t be ashamed of it. Use your imagination to channel your magic and inhabit yourself fully.