Saturday, February 13, 2016

MahYah // #writewordsthatmove


Sometimes you have to do it while you're dirty.

Sometimes while you're hurting or unsure.
While you're scared, while you're bare.
Sometimes you have to do it even if you feel silly or unsure.
Or do it when you don't know, or when you do.
Sing sour notes. Slobber on yourself.
Stutter, fumble, crumble or cry.
But at least try.
Or to do it afraid.
To start with what you have.
To start afraid.

Sometimes we just need someone with the gall enough to tell us the truth.
Sometimes you have to do it unprepared or when you feel like crap
or just straight don't wanna.
Rise early and sleep late.
Sometimes you have to dress your best when you don't feel good.
Leave when you wanna go home.
Get familiar with the unfamiliar.
Make that phone call.
Decline that friend, or two.
Take that picture when you feel you're not beautiful.
Give before you get.
Learn something new.
Ask a question, when you fear it may be dumb.
Help that friend out or that enemy.
That's maturity.

Smile when you don't feel like it.
Hope when you have none.
Love when you don't wanna.
Let go when you're scared ta.
That's maturity.
Face your problems.
Not run away
and use your wisdom
and experience to solve them.

Sometimes you have to embarrass yourself and be willing to look like a fool.
And sometimes you have to stop reading about life and start living it.




#WriteWordsThatMove features your words.  


Friday, February 5, 2016

less judgment, more love






There's about three feet of snow on the ground and I see a woman who looks like she needs help.  But I don't help her.  Because awhile back I'd decided that this woman was mean and my assumptions wouldn't let me move.

Saturday, January 23, 2016

solitude, sensuality and self-care




I was old enough to feel like a woman but young enough to be shy about it. I used to sit in my bedroom in front of the mirror pretending someone was watching me. Usually that someone was my crush of the moment or someone I wished would notice me.

Monday, January 11, 2016

how did you find your voice?



When you want what everyone else wants, without discretion, you do what you see everyone else doing.  When you believe that what you see, what's presented to you, is all there is, you try to choose a mold to squeeze into, even if it hurts, even if you can't breathe, even if you have to cut off parts of yourself to make it fit.

When you've been told, over and over, that you are too much or not enough, it echoes through your actions.   Even if you don't consciously accept it, you're sensitive about it, you react to it, and there it has you.   Tired from defending yourself, wilted from suppressing yourself, fighting inner and outer battles that will never bring you peace.

When you need someone's permission to feel how you feel, to be different, to be curved and slanted the way you are, you give them your power.  You let them shade your light.  Parts of you go missing.  Gifts go unused.  The ache inside of you screams and swells.

When you struggle to appreciate your life because you've lost yourself while living it, you start sliding and feeling unsteady.  You're a spectacle, swollen with unsaid words, bleeding from walking on eggshells, crying out with a closed mouth, and no one pauses or notices, so full with their own lives.  Looking in the mirror, you struggle to even see yourself.

When you think you're too far gone, living life as someone you don't want to be, seeing no feasible way out, you wonder what would happen if you just let it all go.  If you threw up all the words, danced out all the pain, and unleashed all the light.  If you stripped yourself down and walked through the streets singing amazing grace and born this way and who you are, who you are, who you are.

When you connect your voice to your survival and to your precious peace of mind, it no longer matters what anyone thinks because you know their approval can't save you.  Freedom comes from the expression, not the praise.  Courage comes from the choice, not the criticism.   It's the doing that matters, the turning around, the falling down, the opening, the crying, the overcoming, for God's sake, the meaning.  It's not for the shine or the glory.

When your shame becomes your story, you know you've turned a corner.  When you clear your throat and stand on trembling legs and speak your truth, you sleep soundly at night.  You look forward to tomorrow, as unruly and uncertain as it may be, and you have hope in what you hope for and you align your steps with your heartbeat, a rhythm that was once muted.

When you see yourself doing things you never thought you could do, becoming someone you only imagined you could be, you recognize yourself and you say there you are, I see you, I will create a beautiful life with you and I love you, regardless.

When you realize that everything you've been, everything you are and everything that you will be is on purpose, you stop apologizing and you start living: the truer, the braver, the better. You let the excess fall away.  You know that no mistakes were made in your creation.  Every step you've taken has been to get you here, to this moment, to this choice, to this voice that you've had inside of you all along.

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I've been getting a lot of questions lately that ultimately amount to, 'how did you find your voice?'  or 'how did you become brave with your voice?'    This is my simple response.  :-)   

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Monday, January 4, 2016

worrying about the weather





It hasn't snowed at all yet this winter.  I live in Maryland and it's been unseasonably warm.  All of us who live here know it hasn't snowed. I don't have to inform anyone but I still keep bringing it up.  Yesterday I found myself talking about the lack of snow to the checkout lady in the grocery store.  I told her this mild weather makes me nervous and I hope we don't get crazy amounts of snow soon to make up for it.  It felt so unnecessary after I said it. Mainly because this has been my go-to small talk for the past couple weeks and I'm tired of hearing myself bring it up.  I never know what to say for small talk.

I do worry about the weather though.  I worry a lot, in general.  I'm worried right now as I type this.  I spend my life distracting myself from my worries, trying not to feed my fears.  Lately my anxieties have been at an all time high and I've been here and there talking about simplicity and slowing down and getting rid of distractions.  All of this because I need the soothing.  I need the space to breathe.  And I've questioned it because my faith hasn't wavered, it's stronger than ever, so why am I so anxious? How is my faith growing and I'm still worried all the time?

I'm starting to make some sense of it.

Tuesday, December 29, 2015

space to breathe and a slow pace




My personal life is rather messy.  My kids tease me for being forgetful.  My friends give me arrival times that are 30 minutes earlier than necessary because they know I need help being on time.  I wait until the last minute to communicate important information and this drives people crazy.  It takes me forever to return phone calls. Making constant decisions and managing emotional roller coasters for my family all day long is rewarding but incredibly draining, and I become exhausted and check out.  I daydream and lose time following my wandering mind all over the place.