Lately I've been thinking about avoidance and why I used to lie so much. Not just in the words I said but also in my actions. When I spent money outside of my means, I was lying. When I bit my tongue in my relationship, I was lying. I lied to myself and to others daily by trying to live up to an image that I thought was expected of me.

I stumbled along the spectrum of lying and omitting, so I could hide my insecurities, weaknesses, and vices. I didn't think of it as deception; it was a matter of protection, preservation and survival. I'm working on two books this year, and the work of reviving my memory has not been easy. Sometimes I wonder if all that lying had an effect on my memories and my ability to access the reality of what I was experiencing at various points in time.

There's research on this. A few interesting facts that I've learned so far:

Lying requires a huge amount of brainpower which means there is less power available for other things
How much lying affects your memory can be dependent on your reason for lying
“Lifespan lies” — such as keeping secrets about friends, family or ourselves — put prolonged stress on the brain which can contribute to mental and physical health problems and decreased longevity

My memories are few and most of them are blurry and dreamlike. One of my main coping mechanisms throughout my life has been to fly away, to retreat into my own little world. Now I know this is called dissociation. I can remember the feelings and moods of different seasons of my life more than visual details. Music, photographs, research, and storytelling with friends and family help me remember more specifics and unlock big and small moments.

I lived so much of my life in denial, hiding my shadows. I'm thankful to be in a season where I know that even the most difficult truth, when acknowledged and expressed, has healing power. The things I used to lie and feel insecure about have become clues to my personal mystery. We can try to hide behind them, but even a lie is the truth in what it says about the liar. In other words, lies tell us the truth about our fears.

Some of us will go through our whole lives keeping our true stories hidden, craving release but believing that we won't survive exposure. When your heart wants to express a part of itself that it never has before and your mind tries to talk you out of it, writing and storytelling can help you push through that resistance.

The peace you crave, the dreams you suppress, the creative courage you seek, are all accessible to you when you start telling the truth. Some of us who have felt buried by our own lies evolve to become the most passionate truth tellers because we’ve learned that self-denial leads to nothing but dead ends and we desperately want a different experience.

Have a safe and beautiful weekend!

With love,
GG

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