the quiver of self-consciousness
“When I don't know what I'm doing, I look like I don't know what I'm doing. When I'm excited or nervous, I look excited or nervous. And when I am lost, which is frequently, I look lost.” ― Elizabeth Gilbert
I call it the quiver.
It starts in my voice and soon my hands are shaking and my eyes are darting around. My heart rate increases and my body temperature rises. I'm not processing what anyone is saying, and my defenses have taken over. The quiver shows up as stuttering, apologizing, rambling, arguing, and sometimes it can turn into criticizing and complaining.
Is this really who I am?
When I get defensive, embarrassed, or self-conscious like this and I feel my authentic self shrinking, this is the question I ask myself. It's like stage fright. One minute I'm content in my skin, the next minute I'm a deer in headlights and my thoughts turn to mush: I'm in the way, I'm saying the wrong thing, I'm taking too long, I'm being disregarded, I'm taking up too much space, I'm falling apart. Through therapy I've learned that this is a response to stress, and it can happen at the most mundane and non-threatening times.
In my personal and professional lives, practicing mindfulness has been helpful in easing the quiver—this explosion of nerves that takes over my mind and body when I get insecure, overwhelmed, offended, excited, interrupted, caught off guard, confronted—you name it. Ironically, most of my friends and colleagues know me for being calm and even-tempered which goes to show that you never know what someone is dealing with inside or what makes them do and say the things they do.
When I think about my past, I realize that growing up in an environment where my voice was silenced and I didn't feel safe to express myself has affected how I show up in my life today. However, as the creative vision I have for my life becomes more clear, the less tolerance I have for my old auto-pilot reactions and meltdowns getting in my way.
Instead of blaming my past and my highly sensitive temperament, I have intentionally slowed down my life to become aware of my triggers so I can practice responding to them differently. This is where mindfulness comes in. Eckhart Tolle, author of The Power of Now, says "...the decision to make the present moment into your friend is the end of ego."
What does ego have to do with this? As I seek out ways to manage the quiver, I find that working with my ego is a huge part of it.
You might think of your ego as the part of you that craves attention but it doesn’t always express itself that way.
Ego can show up as the fear of being seen. It can show up as playing down your gifts to make other people more comfortable. It can show up as knowing what you want, but not asking because you fear rejection. It can look like delaying your happiness until you feel more worthy. Ego wants you to stay small and save face. Ego can keep you locked up tightly in a life that doesn’t make room for individuality, creativity, or vulnerability. Ego can keep you stuck in a limited version of yourself that is too occupied with proving, pretending, and performing to tap into higher instincts.
I've struggled with anxiety for a long time, so it's tempting to blame it for every emotional malfunction that I have, but being blind to the ego's demands can be a source of stress, too, and there are practical ways to work through it. Tolle's work has helped me focus on the present moment to become aware of what I'm reacting to and why. It's helped me see that mindfulness is a path to the fuller, more empowered expression that many of us seek, to what makes us feel more alive, more real, more whole, and less...quivery.
When I feel my nerves getting the best of me (or sometimes after my nerves have already gotten the best of me) I remind myself that I'm worthy and valid simply because I exist, and that being my truest self is how I express gratitude for being alive. I remember that my emotions have useful information for me if I can stay calm enough to translate it.
When you can detach your emotional state from the world's praise, criticism, indifference, and influence, the quiver loses some of its power. You can focus on your gifts and callings with the calm assurance that you're enough and you're right where you need to be.
I explore more mindset shifts through writing exercises in my Fully Expressed: Writing to Release Imposter Syndrome self-study workshop. It’s available on demand, meaning you can purchase it anytime and work on it at your own pace.